This year I’ve had the honour (yes, Canadian spelling, with the “u”) of going around the globe a couple times performing for the Canadian Forces. Over the past few months I’ve walked on the polar ice cap and dredged through the desert in Afghanistan. I’ve had the opportunity to see places that normal civilians never get a chance to see. With reason, these places aren’t exactly tourist destinations.
I’m now typing this back safely in Toronto. Well, safely I say tongue in cheek. I feel safer in these war zones than I sometimes do here in Hogtown. It always takes me a couple days to digest what happened after a show tour and this time is no exception. This last tour took me back to the Persian Gulf, where we entertained the Canadian Navy. Last month had me back in Afghanistan for the second time. These marked my fourth and fifth Canadian Forces Show Tours.
CF Show Tours are very much like the old fashioned Bob Hope-style USO shows they did back in the day. These shows usually consist of 4 or 5 headline musical acts, a house band and an MC. I play the role of MC/comedian, introducing the acts and doing standup. As you can imagine, the audiences are SO appreciative, that the performances are fueled that much more.
As you might have seen on my last update here on the site, these CF show tours aren’t always completely safe. Our first show in Afghanistan was interrupted by a Taliban rocket attack. We waited out the attack in the bunkers then asked the soldiers if they wanted us to continue the show. They asked us if we were willing to go on. Of course we were. That is one of my favorite moments in my comedy career, walking back onstage after the rocket attack and telling the troops, “…a little Taliban rocket attack can’t stop us Canadians.” The cheer that came from those soldiers I won’t soon forget.
Unfortunately, a couple shows off the major base were cancelled due to safety reasons. We were to do a couple of scaled down performances on the front lines, but the military brass decided after some recent attacks that it wasn’t safe to send in entertainers. We were very disappointed, these are the guys that really need some entertaining.
To make up for a couple days off, the troops were nice enough to bring us to the firing range. Now, before I begin this story, let me apologize to the guys who brought us there. They made us promise to keep this to ourselves, but I’m sorry, taking a comedian to a firing range in a war zone and letting him fire off machine guns isn’t a story to keep under your hat.
As a kid I played with little green army men and always made the sound effects of the gun sounds. To do it years later for real was beyond awesome. I called my girlfriend afterwards and thankfully I got her voicemail, because with all that testosterone and machismo flowing through me, I would’ve gotten her pregnant over the phone.
When I got home from Afghanistan I realized all my clothes were salt stained. It’s so hot there, your body just continuously sweats to cool you down and the salt collects in your clothes. I found it unbearable, I can’t imagine what the soldiers experience in the same temperatures carrying 70 pounds of gear.
The stories that stay with me are always the soldiers’. These men and women work so hard in such a harsh environment that that alone would make you give them respect. Add on the fact that they are putting their lives on the line to complete their jobs makes them true heroes.
Like I said, this was my second trip to Afghanistan, the first was in ’02, when there was a couple thousand troops there. Today, I’m not allowed to say how many exactly, but it’s a LOT more. And it’s changed a lot too. There’s now a Tim Horton’s there. Kandahar Afghanistan got a Tim Horton’s before my hometown of Wawa did. They even had the Roll-Up-The-Rim contest in the spring. I joked to the soldiers, “what were the prizes? Body armour? ”
Unlike in 2002, this tour brought me to the capital city of Kabul. I asked what the population was and was told ‘between 3 and 5 million’. That’s how unruly the country is, they don’t accurately know how many people are there. There was a different feel as soon as we landed, way more serious with the briefings. This part of the tour would take us through the city before arriving at the base. We traveled in civilian vehicles re-fitted with bullet-proof armour, weaving in and out of traffic, holding my breathe the whole time. It was so intense because they had us watch video of suicide bombers attacking convoys just before our trip, so in my mind, every truck could’ve been the enemy. Obviously, since you are reading this, nothing happened, but it showed me how real this war is.
I also learned what a difference our presence there is making. We passed by a grade school, where the kids were playing outside, wearing their back-packs full of books. This didn’t exist before the Canadians arrived. As we drove past, the kids ran along with us, waving and giving us the ‘thumbs up’. We are making a difference over there, I’ve seen it first hand.
This last show tour I was on took us to a secret place that shall remain “undisclosed”. I can say I was in the Persian Gulf area and we rocked the soldiers. They loved the show and we got to tour the ship, much like the tour I did in March. On these tours I also get to meet, tour, bond and perform with some extremely talented musicians. The list of these musicians is long now and I’m very glad to have toured with them all.
Also allow me to thank everyone involved with these show tours, from the big brass on down. These shows have marked some of the happiest moments in my comedy career and I’ll be back in a flash any time you need me.
Before I go, Canada lost a great soldier this month, Cpl. Brendan Downey was a friend of mine who I had the pleasure of knowing in his civilian life. Brendan was very excited to join the military and told me he was looking forward to seeing me perform on a military show tour. He never got to see my show tour, so I dedicated my last performance on stage to his memory. His death really brings this war home for me and I send my prayers and condolences to his family.
Well, that’s a lot said. Now, I’m off to make my fourth appearance at Montreal’s Just For Laughs Festival. Hope to see you there and if you are reading this from Afghanistan, stay safe and I’ll see you back home.
